The Binky

Ricky's been on my mind a lot lately. It seems like no matter how hard I try or how much time passes, the bad memories of the last year of his life always dominate my thoughts. I remember vividly feeling incredibly angry throughout the last 3-4 days of his life - while we were in the hospital with him - because I didn't understand why he had to die under such awful circumstances... And I worried that the images of him suffering would be the things I would remember in the end. I hoped as many told me, that I would be wrong about all that... but even after all this time, I really do struggle with getting those memories out of my head. The happy days, the sweet moments, despite the fact that there were countless... I have to fight to recall.

I came across this video yesterday... and I had to post it. It is exactly what I needed to remember the "good times". Ricky adored his pacifier. He was never without it... never. We had one of those clippy things that keep it attached to the child's outfit - and he even wore it to bed. With a healthy baby, I probably would have worried about the attachment... but for Ricky, it was the only oral stimulation he ever had. His therapists and doctor were always amazed that he would even take the thing... because most kids with oral aversion wouldn't go near a pacifier. For him - it was something we encouraged. He was about 8 1/2 months old in this video... and as cute as ever...

**Pause the music on the right side bar if you want to hear the sound on this video**


The Paci from Meghan Johnson on Vimeo.