The Worst Day

Today marks the 2 year anniversary of the worst day of my life. It was the day I came to the realization that Ricky was going to die. It followed the worst week of my life... which ironically began, with a confident peace that God was going to bring something big out of this long awaited trip for a transplant evaluation. Little did I know, the answers in my plan, were nothing like the answers He planned to deliver.

Ricky did not die on this day 2 years ago. The anniversary of his death is tomorrow. But it was on this day that I experienced pain I will never be able to describe, more anger at God than I ever thought I was capable of, and a greater sense of loss than I ever thought possible.

This was the day that I learned that the ultimate demonstration of love is to let someone go when you yourself don't think you'll survive without them.

This was the day I learned that even children must suffer the consequences of a fallen world.

This was the day I came to understand that all the wisdom and talent in this modern age will never even begin to measure up to the hand of our Heavenly Father.

This was the day I stopped breathing.

This was my little boy when we arrived in California...

And this is all the life we were left with just 6 days later...

I specifically remember telling God that this could not be how it all ended... because I was so terrified that these were the memories of Ricky I would be left with. I didn't want to remember him like he was in those last few days. The last two years I have struggled with just that. Sad as it is... the painful details of this week are ingrained in my memory, and I'm not sure there is a day that at least a moment of it doesn't creep into my mind. Sadly, the happier memories require the most work to remember.

2 years ago tomorrow... God gave me the strength to tell the doctors "no more". I told them it was time to let Ricky go and I wanted every tube and every wire removed so that the little boy who had really never had the chance to be just that... could just be... for even a short time. Even today there are times that I wish I could take those words back. Not because I think it was the wrong choice... just because I miss him and I want him back.

Nevertheless... tomorrow... was not the worst day. Somehow the day brought peace and reassurance... if only for a little while. Maybe it was because the vomiting and the bleeding finally stopped. Maybe because God spoke to me as he reached down and took Ricky from my arms. Maybe it was that deep down, I knew the nightmare that had been the last four days... was finally over for both Ricky and myself. Or maybe it was just because I knew that the constant pain and torture that had been Ricky's life... was now replaced with the comfort and simplicity that he had always deserved.

I'm not sure when it was that I started to breathe again. Time has a way of sneaking up on you I guess. I suppose this day each year will forever take the wind out of me. But at least I walk through it knowing the peace that is to come. And nothing is more comforting than the realization that at least for Ricky.... these are not the days that stand out. And tomorrow... was his best day of all.