Tuesday, May 18, 2010

I Can't Hear Myself...

I'm afraid to search back through to find when my last REAL blog post was written. Not that the posts over the last 2 years haven't been worthwhile or meaningful, but they have become quite a bit different than the reflective journals I once spent time writing.

The truth is... while I love my life - my kids, my husband - all the blessings that I have been given in such a short time... I can't hear myself think anymore. My entire day is consumed with meeting each and every need my girls have, and desperately trying to meet even a couple of my husband's! I found very quickly that two kids so close in age was FAR more than twice the work of one. It's a fabulous day if they share a nap and in that time maybe, just maybe, I can throw in some laundry, clean up the kitchen, fix dinner, or Praise God sit down at the actual computer (rather than my iPhone) to check my email.

I know it sounds like I'm complaining (OK... I probably am) - believe me I know that many would give anything to be in my position - and MANY have it far more chaotic with more kids and more demands - but regardless from my own perspective, this phase of my life is........ tough. Last night after getting Ella to bed, I promptly handed Eric the monitor blaring with her cries and pleads for "2 more minutes of rocking" and less than convincing "have to go potty's"... got in my car, and drove away from it all. It's not the constant demands or neediness, as much as the fact that it's hard to not lose yourself when everyone wants a piece of you. I'm a pretty deep thinker... I have always analyzed and processed things - especially myself - constantly... and there just isn't time for that anymore.

Don't get me wrong... I wouldn't trade my place in life for anything - but driving around last night it was amazing to me how absent my own thoughts have been, and how starved a Mom can get for any amount of time to call her own. I never felt this way when it was just Ella and I... had things gone on with Ricky longer than they had I'm sure I would have... but now with 2 demanding babies at different stages on needs... I'm definitely getting my butt kicked on a daily basis!

What I would give to master the art of balancing it all... but I think for now much of it revolves around surrendering. I heard a friend say once that she finally resolved within herself that these years were simply not about her... and that was how it was supposed to be. I like that... but in the back of my mind, while I truly enjoy each and every moment of my girl's lives, I know that I would enjoy them to the fullest with my own identity intact. It's something I want them to learn as well... so who better to teach them, than myself.

:) Perhaps it's a good thing I don't have the time to write these "real" blog posts anymore... they aren't nearly as uplifting as those adorable photos. Pictures don't always tell the whole story, do they? Don't worry... the smiles, laughs, and irresistable cuteness are most definitely the real thing. I never knew how much fun it would be to watch your own baby learn how to be - a person. I can't think of anything better. They are worth each and every sacrifice - even when you want to put them out on the curb for the nearest passerby - or just your husband when he gets home from work. And yes... I know that "one day I'll look back and long for the days of diaper changes, rocking, whining (I doubt this one), etc...". Believe me... I'm trying to treasure each and every little thing they throw at me. It does go so fast... yet another reason why despite how much staying at home with the girls can wear me down, I am SO grateful that I am able to work casually and spend as much time with them as possible. I wouldn't change that for the world... (most days... :).

So that pretty much sums up the reflection. Ironic I had to come to work to get that written! :) And because I still can't NOT post the million photo highlights of this past month... scroll on down for the good stuff. :)


andrew,betsy,& noura said...

i love your honesty! and i agree with every bit of it!

Carrie said...

Pretty funny, I almost called you about an hour ago (before I read this). I needed you to burst my bubble, bring some truth to my self pity. I read your blog and thought how true it is. Pictures look so wonderful, but they are just that, a moment in time...no crying, no emotions, no self talk heard just a beautiful image.
Life is always greener on the other side, and I've been thinking about writing a blog on that myself for awhile, but for now...Thanks for being real. Love you friend!

Bart Saunders said...

It is survival mode for many yet we admit these are days we will miss so soon. These days add to the grays, wrinkles, blurs of self as we pour ourselves into our family. I feel the weight of your words and thank God for you and that dear family you have been given. SOME day we will have years of stories to tell and loads of girl time to catch up on... who knows maybe it won't be until we are FORTY but I will still daydream it will! I love you!