Today, Ella is the exact age that Ricky was on the day he died. 390 short days sum up the long lasting memories of Ricky's earthly existence. What a contrast to the little girl who lies in a crib upstairs, thriving... growing stronger and stronger every day. Looking at her, it is painfully clear how sick that little boy was. Fighting for your life takes its tole - but despite his many limitations, what a fight it was. In many ways, it makes me sad that Ricky never knew the simple and carefree existence Ella does. And at the very same time, I have no words to describe the relief I feel that Ella has not had to endure the challenges and pain that Ricky did.
I heard an interview recently with Steven Curtis Chapman where he was discussing the anniversary of his daughter's death. He made a statement that really struck me... it was the realization that because of salvation, Maria's life will be a far greater part of his future, than it was of his past. So profound, and so encouraging. It's so hard to comprehend... but this life is truly just passing moment in the context of eternity. How lucky am I... that my days were not numbered with Ricky... my days without him are. Today also happens to be Memorial Day, and while Ricky never fought for our country... I am equally grateful, if not more for a 390 day fight that taught me what a gift life is. Whether dying or thriving... every single moment can be used by God to teach us something.
I am unbelievably blessed to have had 390 days of Ricky... and 390 days of Ella. With all my heart, I know that they were given to me in that order. I really never paid attention to the developmental milestones that Ricky was missing month to month as he grew older and yet smaller... and now I appreciate all the more the accomplishments of a healthy toddler. I know Ricky reached those milestones eventually (the ones that matter in heaven anyway)... and I can't wait to see them for myself. In the meantime, what an incredible gift I have been given - to spend each day caring for yet another miracle... one that requires little more from me than basic care and love. It is honestly almost effortless... because there is rarely a moment for me when I don't know in the back of my head how it could otherwise be. And while I hope and pray that neither Ella, nor any other children God blesses us in the future with ever have to know what just one of those 390 days were like for Ricky, I have learned that regardless of the journey, God's faithfulness will never waver.
390 days with each of them... I am forever changed, forever in love. My cup runneth over.
Ella...2 days ago. Experiencing the only heaven she can comprehend at this point... the park.
3 comments:
390 days...his life was not filled with memories of the park, learning to walk or eat...it was a difficult road for him and yet one filled with endless love. Your words as always are beautiful and the pictures of the two of them puts things into a different light, like being able to see something from the outside. In the end God is still faith...yes.
What an incredible post...by an incredible woman and mother. How wonderful it will be for Ella (and her new baby sister) to learn about their big brother who lives on through you.
All my love.
I was just talking about this with my mom last week. We both cried about how hard this must be for you. But, as always, your faith is unwavering, and it is truly my honor and privilege to witness your living testimony. I love you to pieces, and I'm always praying for you.
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